Sunday, February 1, 2009

The Ballad of Sam Adams (guest submission)

THE BALLAD OF SAM ADAMS
(A medley, with apologies to the Kingston Trio)

[Spoken:]
These are the times that try men's souls. In the course of our city's history, the people of Portland have rallied bravely whenever the rights of men have been threatened. Today, a new crisis has arisen. The mayor of Portland, our own beloved Sam Adams, is being attacked by a bevy of homophobes attempting to force him out of office. Citizens, hear me out! This could happen to you!

[Sung, to the tune of “MTA”]
Well, let me tell you of the story of a man named Sammy,
It’s a tragic and fateful shame.
He stepped out of a meeting and stepped into the men’s room
and his life was never the same.

But will he ever resign? No he’ll never resign,
though his name is much maligned.
He may ride forever through the streets of Portland
as the mayor who never resigned.

[Tune: “Tom Dooley”]
I met him in the men’s room,
there I took his hand.
Met him in the men’s room
purty much like we planned.

Hang down your head, Sam Adams,
Hang down your head and creen.
Hang down your head, Sam Adams,
poor Beau was seventeen.

I kissed him in the men’s room,
maybe once or twice.
Kissed him in the men’s room
against my staff’s advice.

(Oh yes) I kissed him in the men’s room,
maybe a minute or two.
Beau couldn’t keep his mouth shut,
So what was I s’posed to do?

Hang down your head, Sam Adams,
Hang down your head and creen.
Hang down your head, Sam Adams,
poor Beau was seventeen.

‘Bout this time tomorrow
Don’t know where I'll be.
If it hadn't a-been for Breedlove
I coulda just taken a pee.

[Tune: “Hard, Ain’t It Hard”]
Well, it's hard. Ain't it hard? Ain't it hard (oh, yes)
to love one who never did love you.
Well, it's hard. Ain't it hard? Ain't it hard, great God,
to love one who’s still too young to screw!

The first time I kissed Beau Breedlove
he was a-standin' by a stall,
woulda left if I had any shred of courage,
but I couldn’t get it up at all! (An’ I was singin’)

Well, it's hard. Ain't it hard? Ain't it hard (oh, yes)
to love one who never did love you.
Well, it's hard. Ain't it hard? Ain't it hard, great God,
to love one who’s still too young to screw!

[Reprise: “MTA”]
Now, you citizens of Portland, don't you think it's a scandal
how Sammy has to pay and pay?
Fight the right-wing whackos! They’re all out to get him
All because poor Sammy is gay!

But will he ever resign? No he’ll never resign,
though his name is much maligned.
He may ride forever through the streets of Portland,
as the mayor who never resigned.
[Repeat]

--Submitted by "An Anonymous Citizen"